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Someone Doesn't Like Me

A Girl and Her Gun: Someone Doesn't Like Me

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Someone Doesn't Like Me

I got my first anti-gun email this morning.  Well, it was more of an anti-me then anti-gun email, but my affection for guns and more accurately gun people,  was the catalyst for the hate.

Oh, how I wish this person would have posted on the blog, but even people who support me tend to send me emails instead of posting, so whatcha gonna do.

Anyway, the email was full of your standard guns kill and they are dangerous and you are contributing to the death of millions of innocent people and the destruction of the entire planet, blah, blah, blah.

We have all heard it a million times and we have responded to it, blogged about, shook our fists at it, gotten angry at it, made jokes about it and screamed from the roof tops, "from my cold dead hands" so many times that I don't think one more post on the subject is needed from me.

However, the end of the email wrapped up by saying that I seem to desperately need the approval of others and appear to be seeking out the gun community in order to satisfy those needs and it is sickening to read my admiration of those who make their living from teaching others to kill like my nauseating comments about Lima, my Conceal Carry instructor and The Cornered Cat. It was suggested that I get therapy instead of a gun.

Let me be 100% clear here, I do not and have not sought the approval of anyone.  I will admit that I have tended to be a pleas-er and that until recently I have never gone against the grain.  I have never really done anything to buck the system.  I have lacked the courage to stand up for myself, that is true, but it wasn't so much out of a need for approval as it was, out of a desire not to harm.  I never wanted anyone to hurt, even at my own expense.

When I started this blog, I did it at a time when I was extremely vulnerable.  My emotions were raw and if ever there was a time that I might have needed therapy, that would have been it.

I have tried very hard not to overstate what happened to me.  I know that the stories of Nikki Gossler and others are so much worse and I have always been careful not to be disrespectful to what she and others have gone through, but the reality, is for me, that day, what happened,  left me deeply scared.

Regardless of  what other people think or what anyone else has gone through, I was a traumatized.  If you go back and read those beginning post, I think it is fairly obvious that I was not in a good place.

The only thing I knew after I left that parking lot was that I would never ever again stand there helpless with no way to protect my daughter.  I had no idea how I would make that happen, but I knew, for certain, that it would not happen again.

My husband, my 18 year old son and my friend Katy were all there for me.  They listened to me talk about being scared and ashamed. So ashamed that I didn't even tell my friend what had happened for weeks. My husband held me when I cried and stayed up with me night after night when I couldn't sleep. They were my safe heaven and I leaned on them heavily, but they were not always here and I was always scared.

I began searching the web for resources.  I found the Cornered Cat's blog and read every single word again and again.  I printed it out, had my husband read it, had my daughter read it, I talked about it with anyone who would listen.  I ran it over in my mind a thousand times.  It gave me knowledge and a plan.  I was doubting myself and my ability to make decisions.  I didn't know if I was doing the right thing by bringing a gun into our home with children, but reading her words, helped put my mind at ease and it gave me tools and steps to take to make the transition a safe one.

I came across Lima's videos and I watched them over and over and over.  I didn't have even the most basic knowledge of guns, so I was lost much of the time. Her videos are so full of quality, helpful information that just about anyone can learn from them, for me they were invaluable tools. Granted, I had to watch several times to even understand the terminology let alone the skills, but eventually I got it.

I had never heard the word Glock.  I read once that anytime the movies or television show a gun, it is a Glock, so everyone uses the term Glock as a generic term for any kind of gun.  Not me.  I had know idea that it was a gun or even anything associated with guns. The level of my total ignorance of guns would astound you.  I literally started from ground zero.

These women helped give me a sense of power.  I had tools that I could use to change my situation. I didn't have to be helpless and for the first time, in a long time, I felt like I was doing something to help myself be more prepared.

When I first started writing this blog, no one read it, but my husband, my daughter, my fired and one guy named JD.

I have no idea how he found the blog, but he followed me from the beginning.  He never posted or commented, except for one time.  I had written a blog post at a time when my mind was so scattered I could hardly think straight.  I had said something that I shouldn't have said and he told me so.  I removed the post and that was that, but I remember thinking, there are good people out there and it is OK, to trust a little.

It had only been a few weeks since the grocery store parking lot incident when I went to Culpeper for my Conceal Carry class. I had no idea what to expect.  I didn't know this instructor, I had only shot my gun 2 other times and most of the time, I wouldn't even let anyone load it.

Although he never told me at the time, my husband said he was scared for me because I was visibly terrified.  I was visibly paralyzed with fear and he could literally see me fighting not only every day, but every second not to break.

I kept telling him if someone comes after me again, I won't be able to shoot them.  I won't know what to do and he kept telling me, "Yes you will".  "You are stronger than you think and you will know what to do" and he believed that.  He believed that if I ever had to use my gun to defend myself or our children, I would be able to do it.

What he wasn't sure of, is if I would make through the day without losing it completely.

I believe it was obvious to everyone in my conceal carry class that weekend that I  was consciously fighting every second make it through.  I was physically exhausted and I was mentally fragile.

I believe with every fiber of my being that if I were in any other class with any group of students with any other instructor, I would not be where I am today.

I know there are a lot of great instructors out there.  I have met some and read about others.  I have signed up for their classes and I am anxious to learn from them, but on that day in March, what I needed could only be given to me by the man who taught the class.

I did not feel safe and he made me feel safe and cared for. When we were in the classroom and he looked at one of the young girls in the class and told her, she mattered, that her life was worth fighting for, I knew that I could trust him. I was afraid to see the images and I was afraid to shoot my gun, but I believed that he would not let anything happen to me and because of that, I didn't quit when he pushed me and what I needed was to be pushed. 

He saved my life.

These are good people who had a major impact on my life and helped me turn a very negative experience into power and motivation that I could use to make my life better and the least I can do, is to let them know it.

When I write about my honest feelings for these people and the impact they have had on my life, it is not their admiration or approval that I seek.

While I do value what these people think and  I would never want to harm them, when I write about these people or anything else,  I am writing what I believe and what I feel and for the first time I don't give a flying rats behind what anyone thinks.

I don't want to knock therapy because I know people who have gone and it has helped them, but I will say I also know of people that have been going to therapy for years and years and really are not one step closer to being who they want to be.  They are not more at peace with who they are and they still are struggling to find whatever it is they are searching for.  All the therapy in the world hasn't helped them.

It has been nine months since I was mugged.

Nine. In less than a year these people have helped me out of a very dark time in my life.

This blog has very accurately chronicled my journey and with the help of my friends, family, my internal will and "these" gun people, I am no longer a terrified woman unable to function.

I am happy again. I am more secure in my own skin than I have been.

I am stronger, more confident and calmer.

Not to mention, I am well armed and well trained.


At December 14, 2011 at 9:48 AM , Blogger poniegirl004 said...

Anytime you are doing what is right and "going against the flow" people are going to dislike you and stike out against you. I personally belive because deep down they know that they incorrect in their beliefs (again this is just my personal opnion).
Although never having had your exact experience I can understand where you started and how far you have come and why you are making the decisions you are.
I think I respect your thoughts more (than I might if I didn't know your history) because I know you are not frivolous or rash in your decision making.

Keep up the good work!

At December 14, 2011 at 10:06 AM , Blogger Unknown said...

You are an incredible inspiration. Bear in mind that people who waste time and effort into spewing hate rather than love are the ones in desperate need of a community that accepts their negativity. Don't feel you have to respond to their ignorance. Some people will only learn in certain intensities and situations. For me, I learn by other's experience. For you, you learn by a mild, albeit VERY scary situation. For others, they may only learn when tragedy strikes close to home. And some are so stubborn, that sadly, they wiill not live long enough to learn from theirs and others mistakes. It's a sad truth that goes on in all aspects of life. Therapy only works when you've overcome your crippling circumstance. And you have found a way to do that. The nay-sayers will always fight it, but turning a blind eye to their own hypocrisy won't create an alternate truth. Everyone belongs to SOME SORT of community. Some are more involved than others. Humans are social creatures. That persons opinion on what community you should belong to should bear no weight with you. I need you to write what write. It helps me and others grow. Just like we need ppl like Lima and Cornered Cat. The bitter ppl in this world won't stop coming, but they won't get anywhere either.

At December 14, 2011 at 11:20 AM , Blogger Unknown said...

Good for you! I'm proud of you for doing something about it rather than being ruled by your fear.

At December 14, 2011 at 12:23 PM , Blogger Tango Juliet said...

Part of being a gunnie, particularly if you maintain an online presence, is the need to have a thick skin. If a person stands up for their right to self-defense, which is the core of the 2A, they can expect to be attacked.

It's just part of it.

You have done well. My hat's off to you!

At December 14, 2011 at 2:06 PM , Blogger Newbius said...

You got an email from one of the herd. The herd doesn't like loners. The herd believes that only by being in it are you safe. "The shepherd will take care of you. There is safety in numbers." Blah, blah.

The herd is culled regularly, both by the shepherd and by the predator. Only, the herd cannot see it (because they only look inward at themselves).

The wolf knows that the sheepdog is capable of being a predator, and avoids it. The dog's presence protects the herd, even when the shepherd is away. The herd despises the dog because it is capable of defending itself, and is unlike them.

You have been identified (by one of the herd) as no longer being a part of the herd. This is an important milestone. Congratulations. Welcome.


At December 14, 2011 at 2:36 PM , Blogger Philip G said...

Awesome to see you stepping out and standing up for what you believe in! The critics come out in droves when you are confident enough to do the right thing and assist others to do the same. You are well armed and well trained! I should know i am your husband.

At December 14, 2011 at 3:13 PM , Blogger JD said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At December 14, 2011 at 3:20 PM , Blogger JD said...

It has been a pleasure watching this journey and I enjoy your writings very much.

There's a saying out there that goes something like this:

"Freedom has a taste that the protected will never know"

Likewise being confident in your ability to defend you and your loved ones has a taste that most in the anti gun lobby will never know, and in most times will NEVER understand until it is too late. In that one moment it all clicks and they realize how wrong they were. Hopefully they will live to correct their ideology.

I am grateful that you were able to make it through your ordeal, and I am even more grateful that you have taken steps to make it more likely to overcome any future situations.

Keep up your writings. Do not let the nay-sayers get you down, rather be emboldened by them as it is they that need this information the most, and even if they don't know it, the information they are reading in order to try and dissuade you will plant tiny seeds of doubt in their minds until you find that one chink in their armor...

JD (AKA "Lima's" husband)

At December 14, 2011 at 3:25 PM , Blogger Warrior Knitter said...

What they said. You done good. And despite what the anti's say or do or think, we *are* winning and that really pisses 'em off.

At December 14, 2011 at 3:37 PM , Blogger agirlandhergun said...

Thank you all so much for your kind words, support, advice, and insight. I am a very lucky girl(lady really, but I like girl, don't feel so old)

Thank goodness, I had already been supported by all of you and was smart enough to learn from you all and that email didn't bother me one bit.

I can tell you that is

Hi JD, thank you!

At December 14, 2011 at 7:29 PM , Blogger 45er said...

How have I missed this blog? I feel like I have missed something by not finding it earlier. Your post was insightful and touching. It brought tears to my eyes. Call me old fashioned, but I have a huge soft spot for women (I have a ton in my life) and I get very upset when I hear things like this. I was reading this and found myself wishing I was in your conceal carry class just to comfort and help. I'm so glad you found good people to help you through this. It looks like you've already found that the gun/shooting community is absolutely packed full of great people. I'm definitely following now. I don't want to miss out on anything else. Thanks so much for sharing this part of your life. I'm sure you've helped other people overcome their fears without even realizing it. Thanks

At December 14, 2011 at 9:51 PM , Blogger Kim said...

I am absolutely with 45er!! Seeng he and Mike both mention you pulled me from my phone and to the comp so I could read your post. I am in awe of you. You are very strong and very brave and a very welcome edition to our little band of hooligans. We need more estrogen! Never let anyone get you down about taking the power away from those who wish you harm. It took me a while to get to a place where I felt comfortable and not afraid but I now love the confidence I have about my safety. I also love the community that I discovered as I entered the gun blogging world. This is a great bunch of people and I am happy to add another!

At December 15, 2011 at 4:40 AM , Blogger agirlandhergun said...

45er and Lila, I woke up this morning, checked my email and was snapped out of my morning fog, by your very kind words.

It is funny because I almost didn't write the post. I have spoken about how I feel before and it obviously upset at least one

Turns out writing the post did more for me then I ever though it would.

Everyone has been so supportive and it has been a great gift that I have been able to meet such amazing people.

I look forward to reading your blogs and getting to know you!

At December 15, 2011 at 6:51 AM , Blogger Webgrandma said...

Thank you so much for writing this. It's so good to see that you took action and dealt with the fear instead of letting it take you over.

Looking forward to reading more from you in the future!

At December 15, 2011 at 8:07 AM , Blogger Cemetery's Gun Blob said...

I'm surprised that anti gunner didn't claim you were getting a gun to make up for your lack of a penis.

At December 15, 2011 at 8:18 AM , Blogger agirlandhergun said...

Lack of penis?? Is that a common anti-gunner comment?

I would say I have my husband, so I am not really lacking, but that is probably not what they mean.

At December 15, 2011 at 8:27 AM , Blogger 45er said...

A common slight you will see is an anti telling a male that they "must be compensating for something." When a female decides she wants to purchase/use a firearm, there is usually sarcasm on the part of the gun community that she must also be "compensating." It's generally ridiculing the position of the antis that males are compensating by having firearms. You'll see a common meme at saysuncle when a female defends herself that she must be "compensating." It's a dig at antis that are silly enough to use this attack.

At December 15, 2011 at 8:34 AM , Blogger agirlandhergun said...

Well, I did not know that. Thanks 45er for the info.

While I considered myself anti gun, I am realizing that I was not all that anti gun in comparison. There are some real loons out there.

At December 15, 2011 at 8:42 AM , Blogger 45er said...

I would say you were more gun apathetic. No knowledge = fear. My wife was the same way, but now has great confidence handling and shooting just about anything. It's a great feeling of accomplishment and can provide geat self-esteem and confidence like I'm seeing in you now. Get knowledge on as many guns as you are allowed to handle. Watch your confidence skyrocket.

At December 15, 2011 at 8:47 AM , Blogger Matt W said...

Awe inspiring post. I will echo the sentiments expressed in previous comments. I wish I had found your blog earlier. Your story is important to share because too many women have gone through a similar experience but still havent been able to find peace and the power to protect themselves.

Keep up the good work!

At December 15, 2011 at 9:01 AM , Blogger That Guy said...

45er sent me here to read. I am very happy I have found your blog- Adding it to my blogroll now.

You have a very moving and powerful story. Thank you for sharing.

At December 15, 2011 at 9:02 AM , Blogger Jay21 said...

Found your Blog and this post via Say Uncle....needless to say i referred everyone i know to read THIS POST. I have just spent the past few hours reading your entire blog. I laughed some and cried some...thank you very much for your open and frank discussion. You are making a difference and a great addition to the shooting sports and our representation. Thank you for sharing you story and good luck on your continuing journey!

At December 15, 2011 at 9:05 AM , Blogger NotClauswitz said...

At least you got a semi-intelligent (functioning words & sentences) albeit negative and stupid trollmail, my trolls are incomprehensible cursing drunks or something who can't even speak English.
Of course we all like approval, and it's good to know we are not entirely alone, but Freedom is our oxygen-tank, not slavish adherence to the Herd.
Stay the course.

At December 15, 2011 at 9:49 AM , Blogger TheMinuteman said...

You have an advantage in this field that many do not have. You can stand toe to toe with the anti-rights cultists and say you are a victim of violence. It is a traumatic experience that thankfully I have not had to experience but sadly friends of mine have. Our opponents claim victim status often through extended relationships. You stood first hand at the belly of the beast and you have seen the exact effect of their desires. You have also experienced the freedom provided by owning and knowing how to use a firearm.

Your words here match everything I have seen out of and love about this community. We do everything we can to help and for all intents and purposes shooting is a form of therapy. It made you functional, comfortable, and returned your feelings of being safe and in control. I have had the experience of teaching a young girl, obviously scared, afraid, and unsure of how she's going to react if the beast comes back. Seeing the look of fear in her eyes was the most depressing thing I have ever seen. The most rewarding was lifting it and showing her how to use the fear for something better.

Like 45er and Lila I wish I could have been there to help and comfort. I am ecstatic though at the behavior of your instructors and your fellow classmates. I wish I could have seen your transformation first hand because seeing things like that just make me warm and fuzzy inside. Even just seeing the after effects and hearing:

This blog has very accurately chronicled my journey and with the help of my friends, family, my internal will and "these" gun people, I am no longer a terrified woman unable to function.

I am happy again. I am more secure in my own skin than I have been.

That is the wonder of this culture and community. I also wonder how I have missed this blog for so long. I felt it getting dusty in here as I read this post.

Ignore the negative comments, they're just jealous of your new found freedom. I get negative comments from time to time, the first one to arrive by email I viewed as a coming of age and a rite of passage. Welcome! ;)

At December 15, 2011 at 9:53 AM , Blogger RobertSlaughter said...

I think Newbius and Mr. Minuteman hit it on the head. The good thing was, you posted this. Not for them, not for us, but for yourself. You now know a great deal more about who you are.

At December 15, 2011 at 7:50 PM , Blogger mikelaforge said...

Good for you. Maintain. And have a Merry Christmas!

At December 15, 2011 at 8:32 PM , Blogger Keads said...

I applaud your courage and candor. I came here from North's Blog. I teach Concealed Carry here and the stories I hear from some students make me cry. I hear from brave people just like you in person why they made the choice to be there in that classroom. I do everything I can to help.

There is as much to be gained here in this medium as there is in face to face interactions. There are MANY here that are caring, kind, and willing to help.

There are also many here that deride and disdain. Pay no heed to them.

It sounds to me that you had a wonderful instructor. "Your life is worth fighting for". Indeed it is. If you are not willing to do so then who else?

Merry Christmas to you and yours!


At December 16, 2011 at 8:05 PM , Blogger Wolfman said...

I followed a couple links here... aren't grassroots awesome? Good on you for coming into your own. The best thing about our community is that, though we may disagree from time to time, we are all our own people, and share strength, companionship, and wisdom (or what passes for it) among equals. Anyone who expects you to depend on others for your existence cannot understand our community. Your freedom threatens them, and they lash out in retaliation. The fact that you got that email means they are recognizing that strength and independence.

At December 28, 2011 at 12:37 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow,beautifully written.

At January 8, 2012 at 6:37 PM , Blogger GunDiva said...

This was an excellent post, and like so many other, I wonder how I overlooked your blog for so long.

I applaud you for taking responsibility for your own safety, no matter how terrifying it was at the beginning. I'm glad your husband could see your strength in a time when you could not.

At January 10, 2012 at 3:51 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

A lot of good comments here, so I'll just add a slightly different observation.

Psychology tells us that one tends to see and dislike most in others those things they have and hate in themselves but don't have the courage face head-on. It's called "projection." It's easier to trash the strawmen in others than to face and conquer our own fears and weaknesses.

By God's grace, you've have the courage to face the unfathomable head on and address it directly. That alone provides enough fodder for the haters who want you to be weak like them.

At February 4, 2012 at 7:01 PM , Blogger EMac said...

I have an answer when people bring up what 45er was talking about, that women who "resort to guns are compensating for something." I say "Yeah, I'm compensating for being older, smaller and weaker that violent criminals." I even have that on a tee shirt. Once, when someone asked me why I wanted to carry a gun, I told them because carrying around a cop was too tiring. I'm sure I stole that line from somewhere, but I don't know where so kudos to whomever came up with it.

I find your blog inspiring, insightful, honest, funny and a pleasure to read. Along with some others, I can't believe I missed this blog for so long! You rock, AGirl!


At April 1, 2012 at 8:40 AM , Blogger RabidAlien said...

Hey, just found this post. Thought I'd post something I received in an email a while back...and have kept in my inbox ever since (I may print it out and hang it up next to the 4Rules):

Why I Carry a Gun

My old grandpa said to me 'Son,

there comes a time in every man's life when he stops

bustin' knuckles and starts bustin'
caps and Usually it's when he becomes too old to take an ass whoopin.'

I don't carry a gun to kill people.
I carry a gun to keep from being killed.

I don't carry a gun to scare people.
I carry a gun because sometimes this world can be a scary place.

I don't carry a gun because I'm paranoid.
I carry a gun because there are real threats in the world.

I don't carry a gun because I'm evil.
I carry a gun because I have lived long enough to see the evil in the world.

I don't carry a gun because I hate the government.
I carry a gun because I understand the limitations of government.

I don't carry a gun because I'm angry.
I carry a gun so that I don't have to spend the rest of my life

hating myself for failing to be prepared.

I don't carry a gun because I want to shoot someone.
I carry a gun because I want to die at a ripe old age in my bed,

and not on a sidewalk somewhere tomorrow afternoon.

I don't carry a gun because I'm a cowboy.
I carry a gun because, when I die and go to heaven, I want to be a cowboy.

I don't carry a gun to make me feel like a man.
I carry a gun because men know how to take care of themselves

and the ones they love.

I don't carry a gun because I feel inadequate.
I carry a gun because unarmed and facing three armed thugs, I am inadequate.

I don't carry a gun because I love it.
I carry a gun because I love life and the people who make it meaningful to me.

Police protection is an oxymoron.

Free citizens must protect themselves.

Police do not protect you from crime,
they usually just investigate the crime after it happens

and then call someone in to clean up the mess.

Personally, I carry a gun because I'm too young

to die and too old to take an ass whoopin'... author unknown

( but obviously brilliant )

At April 1, 2012 at 10:59 AM , Blogger agirlandhergun said...

Kirk, that is very cool. Thank you for sharing. You know what else is cool? This is one of the few post where Newbius lefone comment on my blog. I forgot about it until I read your comment. A neat memory:)


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