This page has moved to a new address.

Today I Took A Shower

A Girl and Her Gun: Today I Took A Shower

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Today I Took A Shower

After the March ordeal, I stopped taking showers.  Same reason I did or didn't do everything back then, I was afraid.

Every time I got in the shower.  I could not relax at all.

All I would do was shake and think about what I would do if my alarm went off or

What if I couldn't hear the alarm?

What if someone was standing outside the shower?

Where should I put my gun?

Could I get to it fast enough?

I also worried, if my kids were home, about having a loaded gun more accessible to them than me, so I started taking bathes.

Everyday for the past 9 months, I have taken a bath.  At first I did it just when I was in the house alone or if the kids were here, but then it became a habit and something I did even if my husband was home.

My kids would ask me why and I would just say because mommy likes to relax, but really, it wasn't all that relaxing for me.

Yesterdays email was not upsetting for me, but it did cause me to think about why I do what I do and who I have become.

It made me realize that I have been living in two worlds and holding onto habits and ideas I no longer need to hold onto.

Before March I identified myself as a college professor, a mother, a friend.  I viewed myself as optimistic, giving and even if no one else thought so, funny.

After March I viewed myself as a coward, a fool, and incompetent.  Fairly quickly I dropped those labels and took on victim.

Even though I took steps to prepare myself and to fight back, I still saw myself as a victim. I didn't realize it until yesterday, but it is still a label I carry with me. 

Outwardly, in a lot of ways, I have shed some of the victim behaviors and have said the right things, but unconsciously, it is still where I operate from.

One would not have to know me very long before I start to explain that I used to be anti gun, but because of this bad guy encounter, I now carry a gun.

Sometimes it was a natural response to a curious question from someone, but more often it was an excuse.  A way to justify this new me.

I needed to keep justifying it to myself.

Being the girl who was afraid became my identity.  I needed her I think in order to have the motivation to fight back.

I am thankful for that mindset because it helped me to fight and it worked.

I am stronger.  

I am more prepared and I am no longer afraid, but even so, I still, have held onto the label of victim like a security blanket.

Well, Linus, I don't know about you, but I don't need it anymore.

I am shedding old, useless habits and I am dropping the facade of victim. 

I am not saying I will never again talk about that day in March; I will, because it is part of my story and it is relevent to this blog, but it wont be the crutch that I constantly lean on.

 I wrote a post awhile back titled "All About Me", but I would like to reintroduce myself to you all...

I am a mother, a wife, a former college professor.  I love to cook.  I love to do anything outdoors.  I love to learn and I love, love, love to read.

I am passionate about freedom and those who fight to protect it. 

I don't cuss, but, (and while it is not appreciated by everyone) I have a bit of a dirty mind.

I go crazy for a gin martini and a big ol' rib eye.

I carry a gun and today, I took a shower.


At December 15, 2011 at 7:48 AM , Blogger Lila said...

You go girl!!!

At December 15, 2011 at 8:19 AM , Blogger Newbius said...

Rib eye? You: go GRILL! A little dry rub, a hot grill, and next thing you know, dinner is served. ;)

At December 15, 2011 at 8:24 AM , Blogger agirlandhergun said...

Well, now I am hungry.

At December 15, 2011 at 9:02 AM , Blogger Weer'd Beard said...

Dirty Mind, clean body, dirty martini, clean gun...ya can't be half bad!

Congrats. BTW showers CAN be a scary place, why do you think Psycho is such a famous and gripping film. Its something we all do, we do it naked, and we close off most of our senses.

But with a little caution (and not using up all the hot water) you can belay most fear.

Glad you're feeling better.

At December 15, 2011 at 11:00 AM , Blogger North said...

The most harmful person to call anyone a victim is you, yourself. And that person is the hardest to convince that you are not.

Good steps.

At December 15, 2011 at 6:49 PM , Blogger 45er said...

What North said. I'm glad to see you're taking the steps to leave the habits behind from when you were living in fear. Now that you're building on a foundation of strength and personal reliance, those steps will be extremely important going forward.

At December 15, 2011 at 6:53 PM , Blogger TheMinuteman said...

When I was sitting in front of a group of men for my Eagle Scout Board of Review I was asked a very significant question I had never really thought about up to that point.

I was asked, "What are you afraid of?" I thought long and hard about it and I could not really think of anything. Mr. Edwards just looked at me and laughed. He said, "You're afraid, no matter what you think there is something you are fearful of. What matters though is you've learned how to use that fear to your advantage. You've learned how to use it to fuel you to fight instead of flee. Regret is something one rarely ever gets over and most often is the result of letting fear take over. Fear is a natural response and is even a response important to self preservation, learning to control it instead of it controlling you is important."

I'm glad you are putting that fear behind you and are working on tacking your life back. I also second what North said and it is an impressive and important step forward. One I wish so many more who have found themselves in similar shoes could make.

At December 16, 2011 at 2:39 AM , Blogger TerriLiGunn said...

Thank you, stand strong for not only are you stronger but not alone.

At December 16, 2011 at 6:14 AM , Blogger Comrade Misfit said...

I'm not going to go into the "what, when" of it. But there was a period in my life that when it was time for me to take a shower, I dropped a small .38 revolver into a ziplock bag. And I took the bag into the shower with me.


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home