Today I Took A Shower

After the March ordeal, I stopped taking showers.  Same reason I did or didn't do everything back then, I was afraid.

Every time I got in the shower.  I could not relax at all.

All I would do was shake and think about what I would do if my alarm went off or

What if I couldn't hear the alarm?

What if someone was standing outside the shower?

Where should I put my gun?

Could I get to it fast enough?

I also worried, if my kids were home, about having a loaded gun more accessible to them than me, so I started taking bathes.

Everyday for the past 9 months, I have taken a bath.  At first I did it just when I was in the house alone or if the kids were here, but then it became a habit and something I did even if my husband was home.

My kids would ask me why and I would just say because mommy likes to relax, but really, it wasn't all that relaxing for me.

Yesterdays email was not upsetting for me, but it did cause me to think about why I do what I do and who I have become.

It made me realize that I have been living in two worlds and holding onto habits and ideas I no longer need to hold onto.

Before March I identified myself as a college professor, a mother, a friend.  I viewed myself as optimistic, giving and even if no one else thought so, funny.

After March I viewed myself as a coward, a fool, and incompetent.  Fairly quickly I dropped those labels and took on victim.

Even though I took steps to prepare myself and to fight back, I still saw myself as a victim. I didn't realize it until yesterday, but it is still a label I carry with me. 

Outwardly, in a lot of ways, I have shed some of the victim behaviors and have said the right things, but unconsciously, it is still where I operate from.

One would not have to know me very long before I start to explain that I used to be anti gun, but because of this bad guy encounter, I now carry a gun.

Sometimes it was a natural response to a curious question from someone, but more often it was an excuse.  A way to justify this new me.

I needed to keep justifying it to myself.

Being the girl who was afraid became my identity.  I needed her I think in order to have the motivation to fight back.

I am thankful for that mindset because it helped me to fight and it worked.

I am stronger.  

I am more prepared and I am no longer afraid, but even so, I still, have held onto the label of victim like a security blanket.

Well, Linus, I don't know about you, but I don't need it anymore.

I am shedding old, useless habits and I am dropping the facade of victim. 

I am not saying I will never again talk about that day in March; I will, because it is part of my story and it is relevent to this blog, but it wont be the crutch that I constantly lean on.

 I wrote a post awhile back titled "All About Me", but I would like to reintroduce myself to you all...

I am a mother, a wife, a former college professor.  I love to cook.  I love to do anything outdoors.  I love to learn and I love, love, love to read.

I am passionate about freedom and those who fight to protect it. 

I don't cuss, but, (and while it is not appreciated by everyone) I have a bit of a dirty mind.

I go crazy for a gin martini and a big ol' rib eye.

I carry a gun and today, I took a shower.