I Am Ok

I love you all so much.  I really do.  The emails from you expressing your concern for me are deeply touching. I consider myself very fortunate to have the family and friends that I have and that feeling is extend to you all.

I am not sure I can explain this clearly, but I am going to try.  I am fine.  It's not an illusion or something I am trying to convince myself of.  I am fine.  More than fine.  This year has had some bad times, down right rough.  It has only been 12 months. I think I said this the last time I kind of freaked. Am I to the point where I am not effected at all by the memories? No, but I am ok with that.  I want to feel.  I do not want to become callus or dead inside.  Yes, I feel pain, anger and sadness, but I also feel love, and joy and passion.  I have hopes and dreams and goals for my future.

When I get mad, hurt, angry or frustrated, I write.  I don't over eat or under eat. I don't drink or shop to much.  I do not have thoughts of hurting myself or others, not even the idiot that attacked me.  I am for the most part sleeping and I haven't had a single nightmare in forever. 

I am a mom and a wife and I have always been protective of those I love.  I try to keep it together for them, but sometimes I need to let it out and so I come here and I write.  I kind of agree with Amy.  I wish I could let it out.  I wish I could yell and scream and cuss and throw something.  But, I can't.  I would scare my family.  If I acted like that, they would think I had completely lost it and they would worry.  I don't want them to worry because I am fine.  I can't write a crazed post on here because you all would worry.  I have only written a couple post that are a little nutty and it draws so much care and concern.  If I ranted and raved I am afraid the Calvary would be sent.  I don't want to discourage anyone from giving advice or checking on me, I love it, but I do want you to know that at core of who I am, I am more than good. 

Before the attack, before guns were a part of my life, I was concerned with safety. We had an house alarm and we used it, still do.  We locked our doors and we looked both ways before we crossed the street. I always wore my seat belt and I would never get in a car that didn't have one and anyone who rode with me, regardless of age, had to wear theirs.  I know that wearing a seat belt does not guarantee safety, but it ups the chances and I want to do everything within my power to assure survival should I be involved in an accident.  When we were in China to get our daughter, I had to ride in a van without seat belts. I climbed into a run down vehicle without seat belts and if you have ever been on a freeway in China then you know restraints are a must. I piled my entire family into this death trap on wheel and I didn't like it, but it is what I had to do, so i did it.  I felt uneasy, but not paranoid.  When we got back into the states and got into our car, I strapped my new child into a car seat and we all buckled up.  I am not afraid to be without my gun. I am uneasy.  I spent 2 weeks completely unarmed when I went to Minnesota.  I went to restaurants and the mall and into a seedy gas stations.  I felt uneasy, but I did it and as soon as I could, I put my gun back on.  Not because I am paranoid, but because I want to do everything I can to ensure survival should I be in a situation that would warrant it's use.

I do need support.  I do need to hear that I am doing the right things with my daughter and that I am not to blame, but I also need to be able to freak out a little. Reach out to me if you want, that is so nice, but don't worry.  I promise you I am a survivor. I promise I am human and sometimes weak, but I am not fragile.  I will not break! I don't mind reassuring you from time to time.  I am not annoyed at all over the concern, I just honestly do not want to cause you anxiety.  Really, I am ok.