A Little Clarity

Yesterday's post was suppose to be about my course at Innovative Defensive Solutions, but a conversation with my daughter changed that.

My morning was going beautifully.  I was in a very chipper mood, the kids were doing well, no one was sick, the sun was shining and my husband made me a delicious cup of coffee.  Who could ask for anything more?

About 15 minutes before the school bus came to pick up the kiddos, my 8 year old asked if she could talk to me.  I said "Sure sweetcheeks, what's up?"

"I was wondering if I am old enough to shoot the bad guy?"  "I mean, if there is another bad guy, can I shoot him?" She has asked this before.  Several times.  I think she is just looking for reassurance.  I tell her the same thing I always tell, but this time her response was different.

I told her yes, she was old enough, but that she didn't have to worry because mommy was here and she was safe.(As an aside, I struggle with this. Our kids can't get to any guns in our house.  There is no way for her to shoot the bad guy and she follows the rules of NEVER touching a gun without asking)

"Yes, I know, but if you couldn't stop him from hurting you then how will you stop him from hurting me?"

She has asked me before if I would keep her safe.  If I would protect her.  If dad would.  If brother would.  She has asked a lot, but she has never quite used those words to express her anxiety.  I think it's good that she did.  I think it is good that she came to me to talk.  I think it is good that she wants to learn to be responsible for her own safety.  I think it is good that she is looking for comfort and safety from her mommy.  I think it is good that she is honest with me. We talked about how I did keep her safe by putting her inside the car and mommy moved the bad guy away from her and some other things.  She felt better, for a minute at least.  I asked her if she wanted to stay home from school and talk more, but she said, no.  School is important.

I had a hard time letting her go.  I would like to say that I accepted the situation, that I took comfort in knowing it is healthy to talk and to discuss and that both of us are doing better everyday, but I didn't.  I ran my errands and came home to write my review of the class, but this came out instead.

I had a terrible day.  I was very emotional and spent most of my energy on not crying.  I was not all that nice to my family.  I just kept saying, I am in a really bad mood, please, please leave me alone and they did. I tried to distract my mind with computer games, cleaning and playing with my new holster, but mostly I was just awful. I was exhausted and crawled into bed fairly early, although I didn't sleep well and was up at 4am.  Around 5:30, I got out of bed and headed down stairs where I found these...

On the front door

On a mirror in the hallway

On the refrigerator

On the TV

My son had left notes all over the house for me to wake up to.  I am blessed.

Since I couldn't sleep I went blog hopping.  I stopped over at Miller's place and read some very sad news.  Maybe you all could pop over and lend your support.  Without the love and care of other's life can be pretty tough.