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Well, that was a surprise.

A Girl and Her Gun: Well, that was a surprise.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Well, that was a surprise.

I am going to make this short because I am exhausted, but I wanted to say thank you for everything. The kind words, the advice, and the support. You already know how much I value you all. The advice was good. I listened.

I want to be sure everyone understands, neither Joan or any other negative comment had anything to do with my mini breakdown. I truly, honestly never once have given any thought to her. People who don't like me or are mean, don't upset me. I didn't return to her site or the reddit site because they both are negative and empty. All that is offered there is hate and that's not me. That has never been me.

The past few days have been the culmination of the past few weeks. I mentioned my feeling in passing to a few blogger friends, so I tried to stuff it down. I thought I was doing a good job of it, but the dreams(which I now know are normal, but still were something more this time) and that wonderful post just forced me to let it go. I have been getting hundreds of emails and reading lots of post calling me a hero or a true American, or any number of other extraordinarily kind, kind things. I have been fortunate enough to have a few people send me a t shirt or a holster accompanied by beautiful words. I tried to pay for every single one. But, they were gifts and I appreciated them so much. Juxtapose that with emails or comments from women who have been raped or violated in other horrific ways or from husband's reaching out to me on behalf of their loved ones, or from service members...men and women who have fought for our country, they are telling me, I touched them. Man, I felt woefully inadequate and guilty for all the good that is happening in my life. I am giving away one, ONE, training and this community has given me so much. That is what made me go a little crazy. Feeling like I was benefitting while others were suffering. Those are the people I respect and those are the people I value and they are who affect my life. I realize now, that I am helping people and they mean what they say. I am helping. That is huge to me! That is what matters! I don't need to feel guilt or bad about that. So, I won't any longer.

I think my post might have come off a bit overly dramatic.  I wrote what I was feeling at that moment and I probably should have taken a step back.  It really was just a few bad days and even then, not all the awful.  I still laughed and spent time with my kids and did fun things with my husband.  I did not obsess about the feelings or the dreams at all.  I have written many times how much I love my life and how much I want to fight for it and that is always true, but I am a girl and I get emotional.  In a very short amount of time, 7 days to be exact, I had been bombarded with lots of compliments and lots of very emotional stories.  I was not sleeping from reading all the emails and it just caught up with me.  I vented and you all, like always were there as were my husband, my friends and John, who is my friend, but I like to give him an extra shout out. 

John(my favorite firearms instructor) read my post and sent an email...

Let's Shoot

Today.

Focus: malfunction drills.

I met him and we did just that. 100 rounds down range coupled with lots of support and I feel much better.

Here is my plan, to accept that life deals what it deals and we all have to do the best we can. I am doing the best I can for myself and others. It is genuine and I am passionate about helping people avoid becoming a victim and helping people like me, survivors, heal. All good!

I am going to continue to shoot, and train. I will continue to ask questions and prepare.

A bad thing happened, I have come far, I had a bump in the road, that's ok. I cussed!! Unfortunately, I didn't even realize it until someone pointed it out. I am fine.

P.S. Don't take my drama to mean you should stop telling me how great I am.  I am kind of getting used to it and nobody wants me to write a ranting post about how nobody loves me anymore.

12 Comments:

At January 16, 2012 at 5:26 PM , Blogger agirlandhergun said...

My husband said, it wasn't really short:) Sorry.

 
At January 16, 2012 at 5:42 PM , Blogger poniegirl004 said...

:-)

 
At January 16, 2012 at 6:56 PM , Blogger SGB said...

As always, impressive post and honesty.

 
At January 16, 2012 at 7:07 PM , OpenID reformedmusings said...

Good! I took advantage of the day off and shot as well. I always find ballistic therapy effective. Sleep well.

 
At January 16, 2012 at 7:08 PM , Blogger Adventures in Self Reliance said...

I'm so excited for you. You are truly are empowered! They may kill you but they better bring a lunch, a latern and be ready to bleed. Because you won't go down without a fight. Good on you Girl!

 
At January 17, 2012 at 4:45 AM , Blogger ZerCool said...

Man, I felt woefully inadequate and guilty for all the good that is happening in my life. I am giving away one, ONE, training and this community has given me so much.

I'm still trying to figure out feeling guilty about good things happening. The way I see it, it's a karma thing - you are doing a tremendous amount of good for all of us, and it's coming back to you. Don't feel guilty about that!

I'll relate this as a bit of a parallel:
Out to dinner with a couple friends. Mixed company, no romantic attachments in the group. Check came, one person grabbed it and paid it. Another person argued. Person who paid said, "Shut up. The best thing about being out with friends is that you don't have to worry about who got this one or that one, you just know it all works out in the end."

It'll all work out in the end.

 
At January 17, 2012 at 4:58 AM , Blogger agirlandhergun said...

ZerCool, I don't think I can explain it really. My life to include the incident in March is good. I don't feel bad about that, but I just think the emotion from the emails I get and the overwhelming amount of compliments coupled with reliving that day over and over in a short period of time was a little much. So people yell or cuss or whatever. I cried and wrote a post. In hindsight, probably shouldn't have, but for the past week, my mind has been bouncing all over. Anyway, thank you for your analogy. Your right. I felt a million times better by last night, slept great and this morning I don't have that agitated feeling. Read an email from someone who said a very nice thing, I smiled. All is good. Really. It was a bad few days, not an ongoing way of thinking.

 
At January 17, 2012 at 8:58 AM , Blogger Old NFO said...

Lemme try again to comment... You need to handle this the way YOU want, and on your own schedule.

 
At January 17, 2012 at 9:21 AM , Blogger instinct said...

I do understand the 'feeling guilty because good things are happening', my wife has that feeling at times too. Like you, she is a survivor of something really crappy that I won't go into.

Just take a deep breath, let it out, and then tap, rack and bang

 
At January 17, 2012 at 11:22 AM , Blogger agirlandhergun said...

Old NFO, thank you!

Instinct I am sorry for what your wife went through, thank you

 
At January 17, 2012 at 3:20 PM , Blogger Critter said...

ask your buddy to set up some El Presidente drills for you. best done outside at point shooting ranges. you'll feel much better in a hurry. :)

 
At January 17, 2012 at 4:26 PM , Blogger Jennifer said...

I so get the feeling. A lot. Actually, enough that I should email rather than comment.

 

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