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You Make It Sound So Easy

A Girl and Her Gun: You Make It Sound So Easy

Friday, May 11, 2012

You Make It Sound So Easy

I received this comment from someone who is hurting on my post "Don't Be An Idiot." I assume it is a woman and she said... 

"I read this and it made me cry. You make it sound so easy. I have followed you for a long time and I get inspired by your honesty about your struggles, but then I get sad because I can't seem to get passed the pain like you have."

My intention was never to make "it" sound anyway.  I have struggled a bit with how much to share here. As I have mentioned before when I first started writing this blog it was for me and my daughter and no one read it. I wrote what I felt without regard to anyone else, but as people started to read and as women started to come forward and tell me I was helping them, I did feel a responsibility to be strong.  I was in many ways strong, but even on days I wasn't, I tried to be.  I think there are several posts on here that show just how "not easy" it has been for me. Everything I have said was/is honest and true, but it isn't the entire picture of me or my life.  I didn't write every single time I had a hard day. It hasn't been easy.

Some struggles I didn't share because I wasn't ready.  I wrote several times about "his" breath on my neck, posted the post and then went back and removed it.  Reading it made me sick.  I wanted to be honest, but I couldn't be.  Those days were the days I wanted to scream and yell and I would write a crazy venting post and then I would stuff it.  I never fully lost it, but there have been glimpses. I felt ashamed that I had covered up so much of my attack, but I just couldn't have those words out there yet, so many times I took them back.  I was ashamed and embarrassed, but I didn't want to be.  I was internally and externally fighting myself.  I didn't want to be sad or hurt, but I was and as I tried to process that, sometimes I wasn't able to share it fully. Things came out ugly and disjointed or at least that is how it felt. I wanted people to see the reality of what I was going through, I just didn't always know how. I didn't want to paint a rosy picture, but I also wanted to do things that would help me move on positively. That in itself was a struggle.  It was not easy.

Some struggles I couldn't write about because they involved other people. When E was hurting and my 13 year old was angry and my marriage was aching, I couldn't write that.  I couldn't hurt them anymore than I already had.  That 2 month period of hell was excruciating. It was during this time I met Arete.  My mind, unconscious to me, saw him as a safe place. I didn't know him well.  He was nice, but I knew he didn't care about me; I couldn't hurt him physically, emotional or mentally, so my mind let me unload.  Unfortunately, this was not really constructive unloading.  I didn't talk about my attack or my fears or anything rational, I would just lose my mind and say incoherent crazy things. Fortunately, it was a pretty short breakdown. When I say breakdown, I mean when I was around him or would talk to him I was crazy, but when I wasn't I was fine.  It was a very strange time. It was the most miserable I had ever been, but I also had moments of great joy. It was the end of many things, but it was also start of me finding my place again. As insane as that period was, it was good. Letting myself hurt was a great catalyst(an agent that provokes or speeds significant change or action).  It was what I needed and it was the beginning of a very healing time in my life. But, it was not easy.

I had been moving forward almost since the first day after the mugging with a few set backs here and there. I can honestly say everyday has been a step forward into a better, happier life. But, it was not easy.

I was determined.  From the minute "he" got off of me and I got into my car, I was determined. I was determined to not only learn how not to be a victim, but to be secure and happy again inside myself. The fear, the pain, the loss, the uncertainty, the set backs, didn't stop me.  I was resolute in my determination not to let him win.  I was determined to have a life of joy and of peace.  All my energy went into that and for the past 14 months, that has been my constant focus. But it was not easy. 

As I worked through the pain, as people supported me and offered me advice I was able to add tools to my healing kit.  Bit by bit, I decided I would not feel guilty anymore.  That I would not feel ashamed.  That even when I said or did something embarrassing I wasn't going to beat myself up. Writing was very cathartic for me, but I had to follow through.  I had to not only write I wasn't ashamed, I had to have the courage to say the things I had been hiding.  I know that words are helpful, but the action of doing, that is what heals.  Writing this blog may have helped a few folks, but my words only having meaning if they inspire action. The power is in the doing. But, it won't be easy.

I am not a counselor, I don't know how to help anyone beyond listening and sharing my story.  Maybe something I have done or haven't done will help, but I think the most helpful thing I can do is offer you encouragement. I think it is important to find something positive that you can do to help yourself and if the first thing doesn't work, keep looking. Maybe my story is discouraging to you, then please look somewhere else until you find someone doing something healthy for themselves that maybe you can relate to.  I did not seek counseling, but that was probably a mistake.  There is no shame in doing so.  Reach out and keep reaching out.  It most certainly, will not be easy, but easy or not, you have to fight for what you want, for what matters to you.

This journey has been painful and it has sucked in every possible way, and some of my days have been dark and filled with much sadness, but I have been able to find ways to turn all that nastiness into a whole heck of a lot of good.  I have said it before, but I will say it again, I am calmer, happier, and more fulfilled than I have ever, ever been.  I am so sorry if I ever made it sound easy. It hasn't been easy, but it has been worth the fight.




20 Comments:

At May 11, 2012 at 11:02 AM , Blogger Stephen said...

I'm damn proud of you. Easy, hell no. You are very brave, young lady. God bless.

 
At May 11, 2012 at 11:15 AM , Anonymous Lisa said...

We all have our own journey to take. I find it very generous and courageous of you to share something so personal with us. I love watching people go through difficult situations and come to the other side even stronger. I see it everyday in the people around me... we are all miracles, if we choose to be!

 
At May 11, 2012 at 11:45 AM , Blogger Broken Andy said...

+1 everything Lisa just said.

 
At May 11, 2012 at 12:45 PM , Blogger agirlandhergun said...

Thank you, so so very very much!

 
At May 11, 2012 at 12:45 PM , Blogger agirlandhergun said...

Lisa, you are right. Miracles are all around us. Thank you!

 
At May 11, 2012 at 12:46 PM , Blogger agirlandhergun said...

Thank you.

 
At May 11, 2012 at 1:26 PM , Blogger Mazie said...

I admire you tremendously, and that you've shared your journey through a violent, criminal experience and where it's led you - I can't say enough how much I admire you and look forward to each blog. As you know, I, too, have been a victim of violent crime, rape in fact. It wasn't any easier in that it was someone I knew, and maybe it was even worse for me because I knew them and trusted them. Sometime when I'm stronger (I'm trying to recover from some serious health issues), I'd like to share my experience with you and how I was led right here to this forum and these people, and this very life I live of being a gun owner now. That you exude confidence now, I know that it doesn't mean that your journey was easy. They are never easy, not ever. With the love of my family and friends, I've recovered as much as one can from that day. I feel whole and strong and much more alive, aware and happy than I've ever been. It was a long and difficult path from such a violent act. Tahnk you again and again for sharing your stories.

 
At May 11, 2012 at 1:53 PM , Blogger Old NFO said...

Listening without 'judgement' is one of the best things that can be done...

 
At May 11, 2012 at 2:12 PM , Blogger The Old Man said...

My dear, you have lived a harrowing experience as well as a soul-deadening aftermath. HOWEVER - I think that you are doing the best anyone can do under the circumstances you have suffered.
That being said, I will commend you for your approach to the rest of your life. In my time I've dealt with far smaller crises (including 2 tours of 'Nam), so I mayhap can somewhat appreciate the intestinal fortitude you have displayed.
God Bless, and continue to believe in yourself and your abilities. We believe also..

 
At May 11, 2012 at 2:26 PM , Blogger agirlandhergun said...

due to some technical issues, I am posting this on behalf of our friend kymber...

ugh. i wish i had have been around sooner to try and offer you some respite from what you must have gone through. i am amazed that you came out of it all in such a positive way from what must have been the most horrifying experience of your life. easy? hell no. it takes grit and determination, fortitude, will, strength, heart, guts and on top of all of that, you have to learn to forgive yourself, heal, move on and be as positive as you are.

it hasn't been easy at all. and i wish i could have been there for you sooner. but you didn't need it. you had everything that you needed all waiting to bust out of you. to that anonymous poster i say - "have you read through the earlier posts?". because it is obvious that it was not easy. and if you (agirl) sound positive and enthusiastic and are enjoying life again - it's because you somehow, amazingly, worked through it all.

 
At May 11, 2012 at 2:28 PM , Blogger agirlandhergun said...

thank you kymber. a respite would have been nice:) your kindness to me is amazing. really thank you.

 
At May 11, 2012 at 2:33 PM , Blogger agirlandhergun said...

The Old man, I am beyond humbled by your words. I know you mean what you say and I don't want to take anything from them by saying that what I went through could not possibly be compared to nam, but I must say with every ounce of respect due to you, I would not call your time serving our country a "small crisis."

Thank you for your sacrifice on behalf of our nation and thank you for your kind words to me.

 
At May 11, 2012 at 2:36 PM , Blogger agirlandhergun said...

We have talked about this before, but one of the most important things for my healing was you constantly telling me to handle it in my own way, in my own time. That constant acceptance and assurance gave me the freedom to just be and that encouragement helped me to move passed it. It was not the only thing, but it was an extremely valuable thing. Thank you.

 
At May 11, 2012 at 2:40 PM , Blogger agirlandhergun said...

Oh Mazie, you have been so amazing to share your story with me and now so brave to bring it up here.

For all of you who are reading this, Mazie is one of our 2nd contest winners and as you can see, she is crazy terrific!!!!!!

The admiration, as you know, is mutual and I have been blessed by you. Thank you!!!

 
At May 12, 2012 at 9:15 AM , Blogger kymber said...

you are so very welcome! and it's not kindness...it's recognizing a soul that has been through a horrifying situation and is now doing everything within her power to address it. it takes a very strong woman do such a thing...and i like strong women!

 
At May 12, 2012 at 10:57 AM , Blogger 45er said...

"Easy" is a relative term. From my perspective, seeing you go through this did not seem easy at all. Most likely because I haven't been through it and haven't had those feelings to deal with. Someone on another level with a very painful experience that hasn't been able to push through may see your experience as easy, I guess. I think what you definitely do accomplish is allowing yourself to be out there as a source of strength and encouragement. That, in itself, cannot be easy. I always marvel when I see yet another person reaching out to you and you taking the time to support them. I'm sure what is seen here is only a small fraction of what you see behind the scenes. Thank you for taking the time out of your life and exposing your emotions to strangers and letting them in. It could be any of our wives/mothers/sisters/daughters that need to seek comfort and I thank you for being there for them.

 
At May 14, 2012 at 2:59 AM , Blogger agirlandhergun said...

i like strong women too:)

 
At May 14, 2012 at 3:03 AM , Blogger agirlandhergun said...

45er, that is EXACTLY what isaid to my husband. If she has been struggling longer then maybe it seems easy to her. As I thought about her this weekend and me, I realized in a lot of ways this journey has been "easy". I have had great support, I never was depressed or did anything destructive to my body. I had bad days, but even in the darkest time I laughed and had joy.

Every time I share, I wonder if people will be like enough with the mugging, but every single time, I get email after email with new women opening up and sharing with me, so it has value. Thanks!

 
At May 14, 2012 at 10:34 AM , Blogger RabidAlien said...

And that's why those who matter don't care if you keep bringing it up. You're helping others, and yourself, every time you do. Keep doing it!

 
At May 14, 2012 at 1:33 PM , Blogger agirlandhergun said...

:)

 

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