Full Circle

Saturday morning I got up before the others in my house and did what I usually do these days when I have a few extra minutes, I visited my favorite blogs.

I popped over to Last Refuge Of A Scoundrel and read this.  I wasn't expecting the post to be about me and what I read I didn't like.  The post is very good and the words are true, but I didn't like that he was taking about me, that I didn't fight for my life.  I am long since over the anger and the guilt, but every so often I read something or hear something and it makes me go "Ugh, I can't believe that was me".  I clicked off, put my Ipad down and got ready for my day.

I went off to train with my husband, John and a few of his friends.  If you read my post then you know I had a somewhat intense drill session.  Even though it was intense, it was good.  I left the range that day knowing I was not the same person I was 11 months ago.  I have had glimpses of my growth, of course, and I have believed that I would fight and fight hard should I ever be in a similar situation, but until Saturday, I didn't know.  It was exhilarating for me.  I left that day feeling confident and calmer in a way that I can not explain.

When I got in the car that evening to come home I checked my email and had a message from Brigid that simple said "This mornings post was inspired by you".  "I hope you enjoy it".  I love everything she writes, so I could not get to her page fast enough.  As I read the post, I pictured myself in her story.  The mind is funny.  It does what we tell it, not the other way around.  If we tell our minds long enough we are something it begins to react as if that is the truth.  As I have said before, it lies.  I had been telling myself for so long that I was quiet and weak that even after my 11 month journey, I still saw myself as the girl in the kitchen.  It wasn't until the second time that I read it, that I had a tear stream down my check and I said to my husband, "I am NOT the girl in the kitchen."  I am the girl with the gun."  I AM the girl with the gun".  Then I started to laugh.  I did not know she was writing that post and she did not know I was at the range or what had happened.

I don't think it was a coincidence that everything that happened on Saturday happened.  I woke in the morning, the beginning of my day and read a post about me being a victim, in the afternoon, I took steps to assure that I would never be one again, that evening, I read a post about a girl who is confident and strong and it was the day I gave a way a training to another woman.  Kind of felt like Saturday was a metaphor for the past year.  I was a victim, I fought back, I overcame and I passed it on.

Yesterday I went to Sharp as a Marble and read a post Robb put up about me shooting the Garand.  I left a comment and today he made it his quote of the day and he said."...she is definitely one of us now."  Yes, yes, I am and his words made me smile big time.  Thanks Robb.