Something To Prove

Since I promised my family I would sit around yesterday and rest, I had the time to read every comment on my post Should Have Listened To My husband(which was suppose to be a joke title) and also respond immediately to every email.

I got lots of "Are you crazy?"  "What were you thinking?"  emails.

I fully understand the concern and I even though I was trying to be funny and express that I was both happy and proud of myself, I can see how people who have grown to care about me would want to protect me and be sure that I wasn't out there being reckless or careless.

My first reaction to all the comments was, crap, I hope Arete isn't reading my blog today and I hope he doesn't decided back off. In hindsight that was kind of a stupid thing because I don't think he lets other people think for him all that often nor do I believe he bows to pressure, but still I worry, so I asked him...

"You are still gonna hit me right???"  His response was, "Why would I stop?"  Now, I admit that is an odd conversation and not one I thought I would ever have, but the answer made me smile.

I was having a difficult time explaining myself yesterday and since we all know I am a thinker and I have to understand everything, I started thinking. Again, probably not the best thing to do yesterday because I was tired, I actually was in a lot of pain and I don't think the narcotics were completely out of my system, which is why the rest of my text conversation with Arete isn't appearing on the blog.  It was a little odd.  I had a hard time understanding what he meant and I got confused and frustrated. He would say something and I would answer and he would type, "not where I was going with that". I thought, Huh, where else were you going?  My thinking wasn't super clear.  I couldn't articulate myself very well to him or to any of you.  After my husband made me some Maple Bacon popcorn(nobody tell Maura)

I gave up and went to bed.

This morning I woke up still in pain, but with a clearer head.  I popped on over The Sheepdog Tip Of The Day  I read this...

One of your primary goals as a warrior is to train and mentally condition yourself to keep going when you have been shot. You must understand and accept that you might get wounded, and understand deeply and intensely that you will keep fighting until the threat is no longer present. You can do it and you must do it. You must control and direct the power of your adrenaline.Lt. Col. Dave Grossman, On Combat

Yes, that is what I am trying to say.  I am not being reckless and I am not trying to hurt myself, but I think that there is huge value in my getting hurt.  I am not getting hurt on purpose.  I don't do stupid things.  I am not out late at night standing on the street corner looking for a fight(although I did make a joke about this once to Arete, he advised against it).  I train safely and with a purpose, but I also try to have fun and take risks. Sometimes things happen and I get hurt, but even in those rare times there is a lesson, there is a benefit.  I kept going.  Anybody remember a time when I totally gave up?

I said I wasn't trying to prove anything and on that day during that exchange I wasn't.  I was feeling very proud of myself and I was relaxed and when I am in a mood like that I am goofy.  I was being goofy and so was he.  I did not think I need to kick his butt or think I can take him down.  I didn't think anything, I was simply messing around.  After, when I started to feel pain, I also wasn't trying to prove anything, by not going to the doctor.  I did not think there was a serious issue and it was important to me that I showed up to work.  On Saturday I had already agreed that on Monday I would go see my physician.  I was not trying to prove I was tough(which I think I proved I am:), but in general I am trying to prove something.  I am trying prove to myself that I can face things that scare me, face things that are hard. I am trying to test my mind and my body and the only way to do that, is to do that. The only way for me to know if I can take a punch is to get punched.  I mean that literally and metaphorically.

I was not and am not the slightest bit annoyed or upset that people were concerned or that people suggested I use pads or take it easy.  Those words show people care and I am always up for that.  Plus, I have been fragile both physically and mentally, so it is natural to think I might not quite be ready for broken ribs or perhaps that I am pushing too far too fast.  I understand that and I am lucky to have so many who take the time to offer me their wisdom, encouragement and warnings.  I am thankful for those words because I can look at what is said by people I trust and analyze it.  "Does he/she have a point?"  "Why am I doing that?"  "Was that insane?" "Did it serve my goal?"  What a gift you all give me.  I cherish you all and I relish in the opportunity to grow.   I appreciate you so much!

Having said that...once I am healed, I intend to keep training as hard and without pads:)