My morning was going beautifully. I was in a very chipper mood, the kids were doing well, no one was sick, the sun was shining and my husband made me a delicious cup of coffee. Who could ask for anything more?
About 15 minutes before the school bus came to pick up the kiddos, my 8 year old asked if she could talk to me. I said "Sure sweetcheeks, what's up?"
"I was wondering if I am old enough to shoot the bad guy?" "I mean, if there is another bad guy, can I shoot him?" She has asked this before. Several times. I think she is just looking for reassurance. I tell her the same thing I always tell, but this time her response was different.
I told her yes, she was old enough, but that she didn't have to worry because mommy was here and she was safe.(As an aside, I struggle with this. Our kids can't get to any guns in our house. There is no way for her to shoot the bad guy and she follows the rules of NEVER touching a gun without asking)
"Yes, I know, but if you couldn't stop him from hurting you then how will you stop him from hurting me?"
She has asked me before if I would keep her safe. If I would protect her. If dad would. If brother would. She has asked a lot, but she has never quite used those words to express her anxiety. I think it's good that she did. I think it is good that she came to me to talk. I think it is good that she wants to learn to be responsible for her own safety. I think it is good that she is looking for comfort and safety from her mommy. I think it is good that she is honest with me. We talked about how I did keep her safe by putting her inside the car and mommy moved the bad guy away from her and some other things. She felt better, for a minute at least. I asked her if she wanted to stay home from school and talk more, but she said, no. School is important.
I had a hard time letting her go. I would like to say that I accepted the situation, that I took comfort in knowing it is healthy to talk and to discuss and that both of us are doing better everyday, but I didn't. I ran my errands and came home to write my review of the class, but this came out instead.
I had a terrible day. I was very emotional and spent most of my energy on not crying. I was not all that nice to my family. I just kept saying, I am in a really bad mood, please, please leave me alone and they did. I tried to distract my mind with computer games, cleaning and playing with my new holster, but mostly I was just awful. I was exhausted and crawled into bed fairly early, although I didn't sleep well and was up at 4am. Around 5:30, I got out of bed and headed down stairs where I found these...
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| On the front door |
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| On a mirror in the hallway |
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| On the refrigerator |
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| On the TV |
Since I couldn't sleep I went blog hopping. I stopped over at Miller's place and read some very sad news. Maybe you all could pop over and lend your support. Without the love and care of other's life can be pretty tough.
I love your kids. I really, really do. You have such fabulous little ones with a great capacity for thinking, kindness and love. I'm so sorry that your daughter has to think about things like this. But we all do. There are many of us who were exposed to the horror of "bad guys" at a young age. We grow up thinking just a little more than a lot of our peers. We grow up thinking about things that never seem to enter our friends' minds. But we do grow up to be just fine. . .and maybe a little but ahead of the game. And I know you're not a crier, but maybe next time you feel like crying, you might want to explore allowing yourself to cry, scream and throw something. Sometimes, when we hold it back and let it get all hung up in our chests, the pressure behind it builds and builds and builds. All joking aside, next time, maybe try pulling the proverbial trigger and allowing that pressure some release. It might make it a little easier to deal with. (Or, it might make it worse. Sometimes, with me, it will trigger an all day cry-fest. . . eek! Rare, but . . .eek!)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you have to struggle with these things sometimes. If we had magic wands, we could make everything perfect. . .all unicorn toots and rainbows. Sadly, and as you very well know, we don't live there. You're doing and have done the best you can. I have no doubt that you and your loving family will continue to do just that. . .your very best. xoxo
Have I told you lately, your my favorite?
DeleteThanks!
Lots of love and support coming your way.
ReplyDeleteRemember that when you don't feel strong all you have to do is look to your family and friends for a reflection of your strength.
ReplyDeleteOh man , I'm sorry you had a hard day. It was interesting for me to read though. My daughter asks "what to do if a bad guy comes" a few times a week . She is so young it's really hard to come up with a good answer because I don't want her to be afraid, but I do want her to know what to do to get to safety. And I feel that even though she is young I should still be honest with her, because I never want to sugarcoat something that could put her in danger.
ReplyDeleteIt's tough. I feel the same pull. One of the books I got as a gift is about keeping kids safe. I am reading that next. I will let you know if it's worth reading. I am sure it is and hopefully will help us find the answers. I can let you borrow it if it's good.
DeleteWhat book is it?
DeleteProtecting The Gift:Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe by Gavin Be Becker
DeleteCan't add anything more than what the others have said. Usually computer games will distract me, but more often, getting out and doing something physical (jogging, hiking, grabbing the camera and driving the back-country roads, etc) helps me. But, we're all different.
ReplyDeleteHave you thought about taking your daughter to the range? Have you introduced her to your guns yet? I'm no expert/psychologist, but it sounds to me like she's concerned that maybe something bad might happen to those who she KNOWS will protect her, so what should she do then? How should she protect herself? Just a personal opinion, of course, but if you haven't already, I'd start familiarizing her with handguns/rifles, starting with the 4 Rules, then checking a weapon to ensure its unloaded, and how to hold/where to point/when to use discussions.
Kirk, thank you for your kindness. Yes, she has been shooting. She loves it. She really wants to hunt. I think both she and I are in the same place. We really are good most of the time. She is sleeping well, no nightmares in a while, she is becoming more "light" day by day, but sometimes something triggers an emotion. I think we both are good, but occasionally we want to scream or cry or cuss. I actually have had this uncontrollable urge to cuss. I have held everything in as to not freak anyone out. I have been healing so weel, that on the occasion I show pain people get concerned. Which I love. I love that people care, it's probably been why I have been doing so well, but just once I would like to just lose it, completely and have everyone know, I am ok.
ReplyDeleteShe has the 4 rules of gun safety down. I mean she is a safety nut, like her mama:).
Awesome! I wasn't sure (darn memory), but I thought she'd been out shooting with you. Also...I don't know your daughter personally, but perhaps its time to let her in on where the guns/ammo are stored, and that if she's ever in doubt, that she is authorized to bring the two together for defensive purposes? I'm just tryin to plan ahead for when my own daughter is mature enough to go to that level (heck, mature enough to head to the range!!!).
DeleteI guess I will offer some thoughts from a pro-active side. It's good that she's thinking. So many times folks are caught short when the unexpected happens because they have not problems/solutions before hand. Your daughter is obviously working through this - that's good.
ReplyDeleteI love your support of her - it will strengthen her. I would offer that it would be a great time to do some training with her. I suspect your hubby has some contacts that can teach some level of martial arts to you and your daughter - something you can do together. An 8 year old can do alot to stop an attacker if they are trained not to submit, not to surrender. Find a gym, see if they have specific courses for children and have her get some basic training. Better yet, if you do not have any hand-to-hand skills, sounds like a great time to get some for yourself as well. Do it together.
Kids are not defensless, just un-trained. Heck, look at the little girl from Walmart that defeated her attacker (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCOWe2PvmUU), she can't be much older than your daughter. Training will empower your daugher - and you.
Somehow, I suspect your little critter will grow into quite a formidable young woman! You're doing a great job guiding her - keep it up!!
Bill
Bill, thank you! Really nice!
DeleteSome new friends invited me to their gym for some Krav Maga and I will be taking them up on that offer. I have thought about classes for E, but all we have is Karate and I wasn't sure if it was true self defense or just competition type stuff.
I had not seent ant video. Good for her! I have taught all my kids to yell, scream, kick, fight, whatever and we have talked to them about other things too, but maybe we could do more.
So incredible. My 3-year-old has begun to randomly say "I love you." She catches us off-guard a lot and it almost makes us cry.
ReplyDeleteSo sweet! Kids are amazingly powerful! Their hearts are so pure and kind.
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