Saturday morning I got up before the others in my house and did what I usually do these days when I have a few extra minutes, I visited my favorite blogs.
I popped over to Last Refuge Of A Scoundrel and read this. I wasn't expecting the post to be about me and what I read I didn't like. The post is very good and the words are true, but I didn't like that he was taking about me, that I didn't fight for my life. I am long since over the anger and the guilt, but every so often I read something or hear something and it makes me go "Ugh, I can't believe that was me". I clicked off, put my Ipad down and got ready for my day.
I went off to train with my husband, John and a few of his friends. If you read my post then you know I had a somewhat intense drill session. Even though it was intense, it was good. I left the range that day knowing I was not the same person I was 11 months ago. I have had glimpses of my growth, of course, and I have believed that I would fight and fight hard should I ever be in a similar situation, but until Saturday, I didn't know. It was exhilarating for me. I left that day feeling confident and calmer in a way that I can not explain.
When I got in the car that evening to come home I checked my email and had a message from Brigid that simple said "This mornings post was inspired by you". "I hope you enjoy it". I love everything she writes, so I could not get to her page fast enough. As I read the post, I pictured myself in her story. The mind is funny. It does what we tell it, not the other way around. If we tell our minds long enough we are something it begins to react as if that is the truth. As I have said before, it lies. I had been telling myself for so long that I was quiet and weak that even after my 11 month journey, I still saw myself as the girl in the kitchen. It wasn't until the second time that I read it, that I had a tear stream down my check and I said to my husband, "I am NOT the girl in the kitchen." I am the girl with the gun." I AM the girl with the gun". Then I started to laugh. I did not know she was writing that post and she did not know I was at the range or what had happened.
I don't think it was a coincidence that everything that happened on Saturday happened. I woke in the morning, the beginning of my day and read a post about me being a victim, in the afternoon, I took steps to assure that I would never be one again, that evening, I read a post about a girl who is confident and strong and it was the day I gave a way a training to another woman. Kind of felt like Saturday was a metaphor for the past year. I was a victim, I fought back, I overcame and I passed it on.
Yesterday I went to Sharp as a Marble and read a post Robb put up about me shooting the Garand. I left a comment and today he made it his quote of the day and he said."...she is definitely one of us now." Yes, yes, I am and his words made me smile big time. Thanks Robb.
You are a hero, an inspiration and a strong wonderful woman. Never forget that.
ReplyDeleteWhat Lynne said! :)
ReplyDelete"I was a victim, I fought back, I overcame and I passed it on."
ReplyDeleteWay to go!! ... thanks for sharing!! :)
Wow! Talk about personal landmarks...that is one to celebrate! :) You truly are an inspiration to so many... :)
ReplyDeleteYou ladies are very kind. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI've just been reading 'Deep Survival' by Laurence Gonzales (as recommended by Tam at VFTP). It has explained for me how I have reacted to life-threatening situations in the far past which thankfully I survived and went on to learn from (especially the concept of implicit reactions based on previous, and sometimes unrelated, experience), an informative and eye-opening read.
ReplyDeleteSo don't feel any guilt, you didn't start it, you reacted in a way that subconsciously had worked for you before (even if consciously, rationally, you 'knew' it was mistaken) and most importantly you have learned from it and taken the decisions and training to overcome it.
"Good judgement comes from experience, often, experience comes from bad judgement."
Rita Mae Brown
"If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we'd all be millionaires."
Abigail Van Buren
"There is only one thing more painful than learning from experience, and that is not learning from experience."
Laurence J. Peter
"Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely." Auguste Rodin
You had a bad experience, it cost you dearly, you learned from it and used it wisely. So, in my humble opinion, you are no more than an example and inspiration to the rest of us, I would that more of us could follow your example.
Thank you very much for taking the time to comment and share some encouragement. Your right and I have learned those lessons. I really am good with everything, but once in a while something reminds me of how I was and it bugs...lol. Just wish I would have handled it differently, but as you said, I could only do what I knew to do and I am here, so that's a win. I am sorry for whatever you went through. Sounds like you came out stronger. I might check out the book.
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