Well, that was a surprise.

I am going to make this short because I am exhausted, but I wanted to say thank you for everything. The kind words, the advice, and the support. You already know how much I value you all. The advice was good. I listened.

I want to be sure everyone understands, neither Joan or any other negative comment had anything to do with my mini breakdown. I truly, honestly never once have given any thought to her. People who don't like me or are mean, don't upset me. I didn't return to her site or the reddit site because they both are negative and empty. All that is offered there is hate and that's not me. That has never been me.

The past few days have been the culmination of the past few weeks. I mentioned my feeling in passing to a few blogger friends, so I tried to stuff it down. I thought I was doing a good job of it, but the dreams(which I now know are normal, but still were something more this time) and that wonderful post just forced me to let it go. I have been getting hundreds of emails and reading lots of post calling me a hero or a true American, or any number of other extraordinarily kind, kind things. I have been fortunate enough to have a few people send me a t shirt or a holster accompanied by beautiful words. I tried to pay for every single one. But, they were gifts and I appreciated them so much. Juxtapose that with emails or comments from women who have been raped or violated in other horrific ways or from husband's reaching out to me on behalf of their loved ones, or from service members...men and women who have fought for our country, they are telling me, I touched them. Man, I felt woefully inadequate and guilty for all the good that is happening in my life. I am giving away one, ONE, training and this community has given me so much. That is what made me go a little crazy. Feeling like I was benefitting while others were suffering. Those are the people I respect and those are the people I value and they are who affect my life. I realize now, that I am helping people and they mean what they say. I am helping. That is huge to me! That is what matters! I don't need to feel guilt or bad about that. So, I won't any longer.

I think my post might have come off a bit overly dramatic.  I wrote what I was feeling at that moment and I probably should have taken a step back.  It really was just a few bad days and even then, not all the awful.  I still laughed and spent time with my kids and did fun things with my husband.  I did not obsess about the feelings or the dreams at all.  I have written many times how much I love my life and how much I want to fight for it and that is always true, but I am a girl and I get emotional.  In a very short amount of time, 7 days to be exact, I had been bombarded with lots of compliments and lots of very emotional stories.  I was not sleeping from reading all the emails and it just caught up with me.  I vented and you all, like always were there as were my husband, my friends and John, who is my friend, but I like to give him an extra shout out. 

John(my favorite firearms instructor) read my post and sent an email...

Let's Shoot

Today.

Focus: malfunction drills.

I met him and we did just that. 100 rounds down range coupled with lots of support and I feel much better.

Here is my plan, to accept that life deals what it deals and we all have to do the best we can. I am doing the best I can for myself and others. It is genuine and I am passionate about helping people avoid becoming a victim and helping people like me, survivors, heal. All good!

I am going to continue to shoot, and train. I will continue to ask questions and prepare.

A bad thing happened, I have come far, I had a bump in the road, that's ok. I cussed!! Unfortunately, I didn't even realize it until someone pointed it out. I am fine.

P.S. Don't take my drama to mean you should stop telling me how great I am.  I am kind of getting used to it and nobody wants me to write a ranting post about how nobody loves me anymore.